2ndchance

Change

 

Finally, sunshine today!  Just took a few pics of a beautiful sunset.  Will have to post them when I return home.

One of the things we are working on up here at CELT is how to work together with a diverse group to reach a mutual goal.  Today there was a little conflict within my small group, and I felt myself shut down.  (Which is what I often do when confronted by conflict of any kind.)  When the CELT facilitator asked us to process our group experience, I went ahead and owned my issue. . .admitting to myself and to the larger group that this was something I need to work on.  When we returned to the small group, I fully participated and things went much smoother. 

Sometimes, a person just needs to step back, observe their behavior, and make a change.  And change is what CELT is all about. . .personal change, systemic change, and community change.  I have to be willing to change myself, before I can hope to precipitate change in the larger world.

Also had some interesting conversations with several different people.  I really love to hear people's stories; and as much as I like to talk, I also like to listen. 

Finally, I heard from an old friend via FB.  We haven't talked for some time, and reading her words made me smile.  :D  I look forward to catching up with her.

That's all from beautiful Smith Mountain Lake.

Connection

Wow.

Just finished participating in a spirituality group here at Smith Mountain Lake.  An amazingly diverse group of people. . .each with different faith stories which have impacted their mental health recovery.  I found myself, for the first time in a long time, sharing some of my own journey with a group of strangers new friends.  It has been a while since I have been in a place where I felt comfortable sharing my spirituality in the context of my mental health recovery.

And this is the place to do it.  All of us here are in recovery here.

I even touched upon my suicide attempt. . .in the context of a discussion we were having on the topic. (First time for that too, in a long time.)  One of the other group members had said that she could not understand how someone could get to that bad of a place.  She thought it was a totally selfish act.

Well, it is a selfish act.  But I wanted her to understand how and why I got there. . .in spite of my faith in God and in others.  How I had lost faith in myself, and did not want to enter either hell or heaven, but just to stop.  How it created a huge hole that sucked me down, and how an amazing series of coincidences saved my life.  So I shared this.  And it opened the door for several other people to affirm what I had just said. . .those who have reached that same bad place and survived.  It is very empowering to talk to other 'survivors' and to listen to their stories.

It is almost time for bed and another long day tomorrow awaits.  I think I will sleep well tonight. . .surrounded by beautiful nature and beautiful people.

P.S. I also had a very empowering talk with two group members who attend a church in my home town.  Sounds like something I might want to check out.

Today=FTW

Need a Recharge

Here I am, sitting in the computer lab at the 4-H Conference Center on beautiful Smith Mountain Lake.  I'm here for the CELT Academy, which runs from today (Monday) through Friday.  CELT stands for Consumer Empowerment Leadership Training.  It is a training for and run by people living with mental health challenges.  We have about 22 people, plus 4 facilitators.  I came up here, primarily, to learn how to advocate for others when it comes to mental health.  I'm also interested in learning how to use grass-roots efforts to start up a drop-in center in my community.

So far so good.  I have been to many trainings and retreats in my professional life, and this one is starting on a good note.  The facilitators seem to be less interested in lecture type learning, and more into experiential learning.  The group is diverse. . .ranging from young to mature. . .from new with their mental health challenges to more experienced. . .and represent areas from all over the state.

What a beautiful place!  I arrived up here today around 2:30, and took a walk around.  Spring has yet to poke its head up here in the mountains, but I am looking forward to some spectacular sunsets.  I will journal here as I'm able. . .apparently, they keep us busy!

In which there is much noise

I am engaged in stereo wars today.  We have a new neighbor, who seems like a nice guy.  He is an audio technician. . .which means I may have a new ally with my ongoing battle with my turntable. (I really, really, want to be able to listen to my vinyl again).

But he also has a big BIG stereo system.  And I think he produces his own music. In his apartment.  At different hours of the day.  His stereo seems to have only two settings:  loud/shake the walls, and very loud/shake the walls.  On the good side, he does not play his stereo late at night.  And his taste in music is pretty good.  On the not-so-good side, I get tired of listening to his music, where I can hear all the lyrics very clearly, through the walls, while I'm trying to watch television.

So today I am engaged in being immature, by turning up my own stereo louder than usual.  It is ultimately doomed to failure, because it is almost certain that he has the more powerful system.

I know.  I really need to just go talk to the guy, connect on our shared love of music, and see if there is a way for him to turn it down.  At the moment though, this is more fun.  Heh.

FedEx commerical with a twist

The 'exchange student' in this tv spot is one of my former youth.  After all these years, he still makes me smile.  :)    For realz. . .

 

A Perfect Day

My family spent many happy days, when I was young, going camping with our tent and later our tent trailer.  We traveled up and down the east coast of North America. . . .from Canada to New England, to Pennsylvania, to Virginia, to South Carolina.  When we moved to Virginia during my high school years we started going regularly to Shenandoah National Park.  Dad would get home after work on Friday, and we would take off with the trailer for the two-hour ride to the Park and a campsite for the weekend.  Or we would spend a week during the summer at the Park. . .sometimes with good friends who also had a tent trailer.  There were hikes up to mountain peaks, and down to hollows with cool, refreshing falls.  There were mornings spent picking blueberries, and nights spent at the large outdoor amphitheaters listening and learning from Park Rangers.  When I was home from college on breaks, you could often find me backpacking the AT or other trails in the Park. . .alone or with friends.  When I got older, I would take groups of youth to the Park. . .sharing with them the love I had for the place.

For various reasons, it has been almost 10 years since I have been to Shenandoah.  Yesterday morning, Mom and I loaded up her car, and I drove us to the Park for the day.  The drive itself is beautiful. . .Route 33 winding through towns in the foothills. . .passing by vineyards and horse farms. . .always with the mountains in the distance, beckoning.  The car climbed up Swift Run Gap to the entrance station to the Skyline Drive.  We stopped at overlooks and marveled at the clear day. . .blue skies with occasional clouds racing over the mountain range.  The temp dropped about 10 degrees. . .from the 89F of the Piedmont, to the 78F of the Park.  We made it to Big Meadows and to the Byrd Visitor Center.  We saw deer, learned about local bobcats, had a picnic lunch, and drove around the campground area. . .remembering.  Spring was just starting to poke its head out, with most trees still bare.  We returned to our city, before dark, and had a filling supper at a local eatery.

We both agreed that the day had served to clear our heads, and get us away from the problems and challenges of our lives.  We forgot those challenges, just for today, as the beauty of the natural world surrounded us. 

We also gained a new memory.  I'm aware that, as my mother grows older, such trips may not always be possible.  I want to look back and remember that we took the opportunities that were available, and used them to the fullest.  It was a perfect day. . .and that is how I will remember it.

Remember

It is a rainy, cold day here in mid-October.  A perfect day to stay indoors, listen to old music, and write in the blog.  (which is obviously something I haven't done recently).

I finally got my tape deck working, and I've been listening to some old recordings from the late 80's and early 90's.  One is a sing-along among members of one of my graduate school classes.  There was this class we had to take the first semester called 'Formations', and we got pretty tight as a group.  It's fun listening to us laugh, tell jokes, and sing along with several guitars.  It reminds me of a 'good' time in my life. . .difficult, but fun.  I was working three part-time jobs and going to school full-time.  So were pretty much all my classmates.  How we ever did it is beyond me.  Yet to listen to the tape is to remember the good times.

Another recording was made at Christmas in 1992.  My then girlfriend had flown to my hometown. . .meeting my family for the first time.  I remember picking her up at the airport and driving around for about an hour (at her request), because she was so nervous.  Anyway, all of the women living in Mom's house joined our family for another one of those sing-alongs.  We had guitars, keyboard, and a hammer dulcimer.  We actually sounded pretty good.

I could go on.  There are loads of old cassettes gathering dust in my collection. . .each one with a story to tell. . .representative of old memories in my head that have also been gathering dust.  It's nice to shake loose the dust from time to time.

Still raining. . .sleepy cat in my lap. . .irish music playing on the tape deck. 

Ferrets can fly

Thanks Timbo!  I need to be reminded.  Best b-day present Evar!!

Prelude to Goodbye

The last two weeks have been amazing.  First there was the time spent at the cabin.  Then there was the buildup to Christmas and finally it was upon us.  Although the weather in the mountains was misty and foggy, we really had a great time.  Lots of indoor games, DVD's, puzzles, good food and a warm fire.

There was a stream running behind the cabin, and we spent some time playing there. Lots of leaves to unclog and rocks to explore.  Then there was the trip to the top of Wintergreen Mountain to see snow (albeit human-made).  I have not been as content for ages, as I was watching "A Christmas Story" with my niece beside me, and the rest of the family sprawled across couches and chairs.  I knew that it wouldn't last forever, so I savored every moment.

Upon our return from the cabin, we got together several evenings in a row to Christmas shop, to eat, and to watch the kids while their Mom and Dad went out on the town.  Finally it was Christmas eve. . . .the evening candlelight service. . .the wonder in the kids' eyes as they looked around at the hundreds of candles. . .followed by supper at Nana's and the opening of stockings and presents and cards.

The next morning, my sister and her family departed for North Carolina to visit with my brother-in-law's family for the next three weeks.  All too soon after that, it will be time for them to return to their home in SE Asia.

I guess only people who have to live for years at at time w/out seeing their family can understand how it feels.  It will be four more years before I can see my family in person again.  We will all be four years older, and the kids especially will have grown up. There is a tangible sense of urgency to spend as much time together as possible in the meantime.

I will miss them very much.

Mountains

In two days, my family heads for a cabin in the mountains.  In spite of the fact that rain is expected for the entire week, I am looking forward to the trip.  This will be the last concentrated time I will be able to spend with my sister's family before they head back to Asia in January.  Then I won't see them for around four years.

Being apart for so long is hard.  I wish I could be consistently around to see the kids grow up and to simply hang out with my sister and bro-in-law.  But I'm really very proud of what they do in SE Asia, and I understand the sacrifices they must make to do their work.

We are busy working on the menus and busy gathering games and books to occupy our time.  There will a wood-burning fireplace to take off the chill.  I am still hoping that the weather channel is wrong and that we will have snow.  I can dream, can't I?