2ndchance

Change

 

Finally, sunshine today!  Just took a few pics of a beautiful sunset.  Will have to post them when I return home.

One of the things we are working on up here at CELT is how to work together with a diverse group to reach a mutual goal.  Today there was a little conflict within my small group, and I felt myself shut down.  (Which is what I often do when confronted by conflict of any kind.)  When the CELT facilitator asked us to process our group experience, I went ahead and owned my issue. . .admitting to myself and to the larger group that this was something I need to work on.  When we returned to the small group, I fully participated and things went much smoother. 

Sometimes, a person just needs to step back, observe their behavior, and make a change.  And change is what CELT is all about. . .personal change, systemic change, and community change.  I have to be willing to change myself, before I can hope to precipitate change in the larger world.

Also had some interesting conversations with several different people.  I really love to hear people's stories; and as much as I like to talk, I also like to listen. 

Finally, I heard from an old friend via FB.  We haven't talked for some time, and reading her words made me smile.  :D  I look forward to catching up with her.

That's all from beautiful Smith Mountain Lake.

Connection

Wow.

Just finished participating in a spirituality group here at Smith Mountain Lake.  An amazingly diverse group of people. . .each with different faith stories which have impacted their mental health recovery.  I found myself, for the first time in a long time, sharing some of my own journey with a group of strangers new friends.  It has been a while since I have been in a place where I felt comfortable sharing my spirituality in the context of my mental health recovery.

And this is the place to do it.  All of us here are in recovery here.

I even touched upon my suicide attempt. . .in the context of a discussion we were having on the topic. (First time for that too, in a long time.)  One of the other group members had said that she could not understand how someone could get to that bad of a place.  She thought it was a totally selfish act.

Well, it is a selfish act.  But I wanted her to understand how and why I got there. . .in spite of my faith in God and in others.  How I had lost faith in myself, and did not want to enter either hell or heaven, but just to stop.  How it created a huge hole that sucked me down, and how an amazing series of coincidences saved my life.  So I shared this.  And it opened the door for several other people to affirm what I had just said. . .those who have reached that same bad place and survived.  It is very empowering to talk to other 'survivors' and to listen to their stories.

It is almost time for bed and another long day tomorrow awaits.  I think I will sleep well tonight. . .surrounded by beautiful nature and beautiful people.

P.S. I also had a very empowering talk with two group members who attend a church in my home town.  Sounds like something I might want to check out.

Today=FTW

Need a Recharge

Here I am, sitting in the computer lab at the 4-H Conference Center on beautiful Smith Mountain Lake.  I'm here for the CELT Academy, which runs from today (Monday) through Friday.  CELT stands for Consumer Empowerment Leadership Training.  It is a training for and run by people living with mental health challenges.  We have about 22 people, plus 4 facilitators.  I came up here, primarily, to learn how to advocate for others when it comes to mental health.  I'm also interested in learning how to use grass-roots efforts to start up a drop-in center in my community.

So far so good.  I have been to many trainings and retreats in my professional life, and this one is starting on a good note.  The facilitators seem to be less interested in lecture type learning, and more into experiential learning.  The group is diverse. . .ranging from young to mature. . .from new with their mental health challenges to more experienced. . .and represent areas from all over the state.

What a beautiful place!  I arrived up here today around 2:30, and took a walk around.  Spring has yet to poke its head up here in the mountains, but I am looking forward to some spectacular sunsets.  I will journal here as I'm able. . .apparently, they keep us busy!

FedEx commerical with a twist

The 'exchange student' in this tv spot is one of my former youth.  After all these years, he still makes me smile.  :)    For realz. . .

 

Seven Years

I woke up this morning. . .glad to be awake and alive.  Tomorrow will be the anniversary of both my first and second chances.

My life at the moment, is not perfect.  But when does that ever happen anyway?  It is certainly better than it was seven and even five years ago.  I am fortunate to have family and friends who care about me; to have a job where I can make a difference; to have a safe/warm/cool/whatever place to sleep and live; and to have enough financial resources to pay my bills and get along.  FB this morning is full of birthday greetings.

Enough reflection on the past.  Now for the future.  I would like to return to school and finish a Master's Degree.  I would like to take guitar lessons.  I would like to return to work full-time again.  I would like to be able to travel some again.  These are all within my reach.  Just have to take the small and big steps to get there.

Many thanks to the friends and family who continue to support me.  And many thanks to God who has never given up on me.  Today is a good day.  :)

Remember

It is a rainy, cold day here in mid-October.  A perfect day to stay indoors, listen to old music, and write in the blog.  (which is obviously something I haven't done recently).

I finally got my tape deck working, and I've been listening to some old recordings from the late 80's and early 90's.  One is a sing-along among members of one of my graduate school classes.  There was this class we had to take the first semester called 'Formations', and we got pretty tight as a group.  It's fun listening to us laugh, tell jokes, and sing along with several guitars.  It reminds me of a 'good' time in my life. . .difficult, but fun.  I was working three part-time jobs and going to school full-time.  So were pretty much all my classmates.  How we ever did it is beyond me.  Yet to listen to the tape is to remember the good times.

Another recording was made at Christmas in 1992.  My then girlfriend had flown to my hometown. . .meeting my family for the first time.  I remember picking her up at the airport and driving around for about an hour (at her request), because she was so nervous.  Anyway, all of the women living in Mom's house joined our family for another one of those sing-alongs.  We had guitars, keyboard, and a hammer dulcimer.  We actually sounded pretty good.

I could go on.  There are loads of old cassettes gathering dust in my collection. . .each one with a story to tell. . .representative of old memories in my head that have also been gathering dust.  It's nice to shake loose the dust from time to time.

Still raining. . .sleepy cat in my lap. . .irish music playing on the tape deck. 

Friend Smoothie

Facebook continues to amaze and amuse me.  What has really struck me lately is how it takes friends and acquaintances from wildly different parts of my life and puts them all in the same place.  One friend of mine called this 'homogenization' of people. (Thanks Mark) I guess I am used to my friends being compartmentalized. . .college, former youth, family, online friends, etc.  Some of these friends know some things about me. . .others are privy to a whole different slate of information.  (For example, many people know what the name of this blog signifies.  Many do not.)

Just the other day, a several friends posted their status messages, as usual.  The first one was one of my more conservative friends who was ranting about President Obama.  Directly after that, was a status from one of my gay friends talking about a Pride March he was in.  Right after that was a family member talking about moving from one state to another.  And after that was a Christian friend of mine, using her status to broadcast her faith.

You get the idea.  I had to chuckle.  I started to think, which one of my friends would unfriend me if they could see all my other friends.  Would my pro-choice friends disown me because I also have pro-life friends?  Would my atheist friends sneer at my christian friends?  Would my straight friends be shocked that I have gay friends?  What kind of conversations would ensue if everyone was gathered in one room?

It only makes sense.  I usually describe myself as a mutt when meeting new people.  I have threads of many different philosophies, beliefs and choices flowing through me.  It helps me to relate to individuals and groups of many different backgrounds.  I was just always the kid who had friends of all different kinds, shapes, and colors.  I always try to respect other people for their beliefs; while still holding intact my own beliefs.  So my FaceBook friends are a reflection of all of this.

I would like to bring everyone together in one room.  Just to see.  How many people would get into heated conversations.  How many people would make new friends.  How many people would storm out of the room.

Wouldn't it be fun to watch.

Holiday Hello

For me, the holiday season is more about the people and less about the presents.  Don't get me wrong. . .thoughtful presents are always nice.  It may just be that I'm getting older.  It may be that my family and I don't have the financial resources we used to have.  It may just be that I'm tired of all the holiday hype.

Sounds simple doesn't it?  It's all about the people.

Re-connect

For the first time in many weeks, I'm excited about something.  Over the holidays, as I was cruising the programs on my mom's cable, I came across the Christmas at Belmont special.  Belmont College is a powerhouse of classical music and boy can they put on a show.  At one point, one of the professors took the stage to direct the choir and the orchestra.

Suddenly, I realized that I knew him.

Empathy

Part I

Just got off the phone with a friend.  Every time I start thinking that I have it rough, I remind myself that there is a person I know who has it rougher.

He has MS, and has experienced the loss of his life as he knew it. . .physically, emotionally, socially, vocationally, and more.  He is a gifted photographer and one of his prints graces a wall in my house.