2ndchance

Connection Trauma

I made a connection with a young client yesterday.  He came to our agency because he was in crisis. . .making threats to hurt both himself and others. He was handcuffed as I entered the room, and he was very guarded in his talking at first.  As we found common ground, and talked as I have talked with hundreds of youth, he began to share about his life.  Won't get into details, but suffice it to say. . .he was carrying a lot of depression and anger.  As it became apparent that he needed to go to hospital for his safety, members of my team began the preparations in finding an adolescent bed, consulting with his family. etc.  However, he did not want to go, and had to be "TDO'd".  A TDO is necessary sometimes for the safety of the individual and community, and is always followed by a legal hearing within 72 hours to determine if the TDO is to continue.  It can be traumatic for everyone involved.  In this case, the client's mother agreed that her son needed to go to the hospital.  She had been afraid for him for some time.

I have never been TDO'd. . .always going willingly to hospital when it was necessary.  But if I was in danger of hurting myself or others and couldn't think straight, I would want to have someone step in and protect me from myself.  This is very conteraversal in the recovery community, and I fall someplace in the middle of the continum of opinions.

When it was time for him to be transported to the hospital, he had to be further restrained by shackles.(according to code and procedure in my state and locality)  I have seen kids in shackles lots of times during my tenure as a juvenilie probation officer.  And I know of cases where unrestrained people have escaped from cars and have gone running across the interstate. . .further endangering themselves and others. It really is a safety issue.

I understand all of that.  But this felt different for some reason.  My counselor said that my therapeutic boundaries were probably blurred.  He is probably right.  After saying goodbye to the kid, and encouraging him to give the hospital staff a chance (a very good hospital, by the way), I still went to the men's room, closed myself in a stall, and cried for a few minutes.

Public Service Announcements

Several friends and I have been recording and producing some PSA's for a local radio station.  We are hoping these Mental Health Awareness PSA's get picked up by other stations.  I had the privilege of recording the first ones (below).  Now I think we have about 27 different stories and readers.  Let me know what you think!

 

Download Tennessee Williams
Download Peter Green

Talking about the journey

Sometimes I wonder why I continue to keep this blog online.  I have written in it so sporadically over the past year or so.  Yet within the blog is a record of things that I don't want to forget.  Stories about people I have encountered, ideas that occur to me, and most of all my personal journey with mental health.

Over the past two weeks, I have had three opportunities to share my story in a public forum.  First, for our bi-monthly CIT training.  CIT is Crisis Intervention Training for First Responders in our community:  police, firefighters, rescue, and sheriff.  It is a training that teaches first responders how to work with persons living with mental health challenges.  The CIT leadership found a permanent 'slot' for me amongst the other presenters, and they wanted me to speak about what I do with ESP and also to tell my story.  So I did.

Two days after I shared my story with CIT, the lead police trainer sent me an e-mail requesting that I do something similar with the metro Hostage Negotiations Team.  So a week later, I found myself again sharing intensely personal information with a group of strangers.  These were all tough cops, detectives and officers, who are used to dealing with intensely difficult situations.

Finally, one of the agency supervisors asked if several of the peers would help with a presentation on recovery at our agency board meeting.  The Board was joined by our county administrator (the county's equivalent of mayor if we had a mayoral system) and one of his deputies.  Again I delved into some personal and painful memories.

All three presentations went well, and there was good feedback.  I even learned that the Negotiations team was called out the day after the presentation to work with a  mental health situation, and that our presentation informed and aided the team with their situation.

I don't mind doing this if it can help others to understand that many of us have crisis points, and then can re-engage with our lives.  That we are not always in crisis (which is where most first responders meet us) and that we are more than our diagnosis.  As I did the three presentations, I re-discovered that it takes a lot of emotional energy.  I went home feeling exhausted after all three.

I have made mistakes in my life.  One in particular has continually affected my life since I made it almost ten years ago.  My current job requires me to be open about this mistake and others with complete strangers.  It feels kind of weird at times.  However the benefits far outweigh the stress.  If just one other person can change their viewpoint on those living with mental health challenges; or if someone can have an 'aha' moment with their own journey, it is worth it.

I finish each of my presentations with the following:  What I once considered my greatest weakness has now become a source to my greatest strength.

Guess I will keep the blog for the time being.

Change

 

Finally, sunshine today!  Just took a few pics of a beautiful sunset.  Will have to post them when I return home.

One of the things we are working on up here at CELT is how to work together with a diverse group to reach a mutual goal.  Today there was a little conflict within my small group, and I felt myself shut down.  (Which is what I often do when confronted by conflict of any kind.)  When the CELT facilitator asked us to process our group experience, I went ahead and owned my issue. . .admitting to myself and to the larger group that this was something I need to work on.  When we returned to the small group, I fully participated and things went much smoother. 

Sometimes, a person just needs to step back, observe their behavior, and make a change.  And change is what CELT is all about. . .personal change, systemic change, and community change.  I have to be willing to change myself, before I can hope to precipitate change in the larger world.

Also had some interesting conversations with several different people.  I really love to hear people's stories; and as much as I like to talk, I also like to listen. 

Finally, I heard from an old friend via FB.  We haven't talked for some time, and reading her words made me smile.  :D  I look forward to catching up with her.

That's all from beautiful Smith Mountain Lake.

Connection

Wow.

Just finished participating in a spirituality group here at Smith Mountain Lake.  An amazingly diverse group of people. . .each with different faith stories which have impacted their mental health recovery.  I found myself, for the first time in a long time, sharing some of my own journey with a group of strangers new friends.  It has been a while since I have been in a place where I felt comfortable sharing my spirituality in the context of my mental health recovery.

And this is the place to do it.  All of us here are in recovery here.

I even touched upon my suicide attempt. . .in the context of a discussion we were having on the topic. (First time for that too, in a long time.)  One of the other group members had said that she could not understand how someone could get to that bad of a place.  She thought it was a totally selfish act.

Well, it is a selfish act.  But I wanted her to understand how and why I got there. . .in spite of my faith in God and in others.  How I had lost faith in myself, and did not want to enter either hell or heaven, but just to stop.  How it created a huge hole that sucked me down, and how an amazing series of coincidences saved my life.  So I shared this.  And it opened the door for several other people to affirm what I had just said. . .those who have reached that same bad place and survived.  It is very empowering to talk to other 'survivors' and to listen to their stories.

It is almost time for bed and another long day tomorrow awaits.  I think I will sleep well tonight. . .surrounded by beautiful nature and beautiful people.

P.S. I also had a very empowering talk with two group members who attend a church in my home town.  Sounds like something I might want to check out.

Today=FTW

Need a Recharge

Here I am, sitting in the computer lab at the 4-H Conference Center on beautiful Smith Mountain Lake.  I'm here for the CELT Academy, which runs from today (Monday) through Friday.  CELT stands for Consumer Empowerment Leadership Training.  It is a training for and run by people living with mental health challenges.  We have about 22 people, plus 4 facilitators.  I came up here, primarily, to learn how to advocate for others when it comes to mental health.  I'm also interested in learning how to use grass-roots efforts to start up a drop-in center in my community.

So far so good.  I have been to many trainings and retreats in my professional life, and this one is starting on a good note.  The facilitators seem to be less interested in lecture type learning, and more into experiential learning.  The group is diverse. . .ranging from young to mature. . .from new with their mental health challenges to more experienced. . .and represent areas from all over the state.

What a beautiful place!  I arrived up here today around 2:30, and took a walk around.  Spring has yet to poke its head up here in the mountains, but I am looking forward to some spectacular sunsets.  I will journal here as I'm able. . .apparently, they keep us busy!

In which there is much noise

I am engaged in stereo wars today.  We have a new neighbor, who seems like a nice guy.  He is an audio technician. . .which means I may have a new ally with my ongoing battle with my turntable. (I really, really, want to be able to listen to my vinyl again).

But he also has a big BIG stereo system.  And I think he produces his own music. In his apartment.  At different hours of the day.  His stereo seems to have only two settings:  loud/shake the walls, and very loud/shake the walls.  On the good side, he does not play his stereo late at night.  And his taste in music is pretty good.  On the not-so-good side, I get tired of listening to his music, where I can hear all the lyrics very clearly, through the walls, while I'm trying to watch television.

So today I am engaged in being immature, by turning up my own stereo louder than usual.  It is ultimately doomed to failure, because it is almost certain that he has the more powerful system.

I know.  I really need to just go talk to the guy, connect on our shared love of music, and see if there is a way for him to turn it down.  At the moment though, this is more fun.  Heh.

Cats and Computers

My cats love my laptop.  They like to sit in my lap anyway, but when I have the laptop going, they seem to re-double their efforts to share the space.  I have a hard time keeping Bonkers from sleeping with her head on the keyboard.  I flatter myself to think that they just want to be with me; which I'm sure has something to do with it.  But for some reason, they want to get as close to the laptop as possible.   Is it the bright screen?  Is it the heat it puts out?  Do they just want to annoy me?  Is there some sort of electrical attraction.

I don't know the answer. Perhaps Toshiba infuses their machines with catnip.

 

Then there was fall

Ever since I can remember, I have loved the fall.  I grew up in New England. . .which has four actual seasons.  The winters were long and cold, frigid.  It was fun to play in the snow, ice skate on the rink that my dad would make in the back yard, and sled down the hills.  But by mid-February, it would be getting old, and we were ready for a change. Spring would come with new growth. . . propelled by rain and warmth. We could take off our winter coats and scarves and ride our bikes again.  Then there was summer. . .school was out and my family would usually take a two-week vacation at the beach.  We would rent a cottage, play in the surf, eat salt-water taffy, and ride our bikes all over the coastal town.  There was plenty of work to be done in the backyard garden and grass to be cut.  There were usually some 'summer dog days' that were so hot that I would have a fan blowing directly on my bed at night.

Then there was fall.  I really loved fall. . .with the return to school, changing colors of the leaves, cool breezes, roasted pumpkin seeds, and playing fetch with our dog, Elsa.

Now that I live in the south, there is less of a feeling of four seasons.  This past winter was pretty intense. . .for the south.  But then it seemed to go directly from winter to summer, with some of the hottest days on record for the area.  Now that the heat is fading, I find myself hoping for some extended cool days. .before the winter hits again.  I like being able to open the windows, walk around in short sleeves outside, roll the car windows down for the first time in months, and take day trips to the mountains to see the changing of the foliage.  The power bill will drop and the gas bill will be neglegible.  I will find excuses to be outside, and the cats will sit in the window sills.  I will be able to take clients to the park, and not be cooped up in the air-conditioning.

I hope it lasts as long as possible.

Spring Forth

I arrived home early in the afternoon on Wednesday. . .to find the front yard covered with robins.  There were dozens and dozens of them. . .males and females. . .chirping and hopping about.  If that isn't a sign that spring is coming, I don't know what is.

We have had what seems like a deluge of snow this winter. . .more snow than my city is used to and certainly more than we have seen in the past 10 years.  Although snow can be beautiful, and I love watching it fall, it can also create troublesome effects.  Nobody around here knows how to drive in it for example, and one particular day about a month ago, there were over 200 accidents across the metro area in one morning. 

There is something in my psyche, born of a childhood spent in New England, that likes having four seasons.  I can remember loving the snow-forts and snow-people and snowball fights.  I remember sliding down hills, over and over again, on the family toboggan. But I also remember being ready for spring and celebrating the warming weather.

It's time to celebrate the coming of spring.  It's time for the dreary, rainy, cloudy days to pass away, and change to sunshine and warm breezes.

I'm ready.